The glass poised before my lips, my thoughts racing, I attempted to calm my mind, to embrace what I was about to experience. I was sitting in a circle of nineteen people of whom I knew three. I was about to drink Ayahuasca, the Death Vine, as a participant in a sacred ceremony. Ayahuasca (Banisteriospsis Caapi) is a medicine, an hallucinogen used in the Amazon by shamen to perform healings. A friend had told me of his struggle, in a previous journey, with a large bird devouring parts of his body. It was with my insides trembling like jellyfish that I drank the dark brown, somewhat bitter tasting brew. I tried to avoid the word bitter in my mind. I had no desire to irritate the spirit of the medicine (large bird, uhm). I sought a positive encounter to open my right brain more fully, the creative side of myself was screaming to be free.
Four years earlier while producing a horror film trailer at Saturday Night Live, in which a variety of fruits go wild and take over a household in the suburbs, I had had an ischemic attack. For half a minute my left arm had become paralysed, my speech slurred and I had a droopy eyelid. Several months later after dealing with a nightmare of doctors, I had less money in the bank and no answers as to why it had occurred, except for my own term, BAFIS Syndrome - 'Blew A Fuse because of Intense Stress'. A month after this occurrence I was on a plane to Peru to investigate shamanism and continue my personal spiritual journey which I had left aside for sometime and was now renewing. BAFIS had scared me into action. That trip to Peru renewed the side of me whose core yearns for a spiritual connection with all things. On returning home I discovered a teacher, a Shaman, and was working with her on a regular basis. The Ayahuasca was a tool, a part of her path. I had become her apprentice.
I relaxed as the liquid gently slid into my stomach. I felt it move throughout my body with a numbing effect. I moved to a more comfortable position by propping my back against the wall. I closed my eyes. There was light and colour on the left side behind my eyelids and spread to fill the right. I had a full panorama. The visions were incredibly vivid, like a hologram. A voice, the spirit of the medicine, spoke to me. It took my hand and led me. I felt the pain of my childhood, the loneliness, the lack of life. I was a child under the covers, afraid, cutting off the air, smothering myself in my fear. The pain was excruciating. I learned how to breathe, deep full breaths. I got warmer. My stomach rumbled. Intense waves of nausea went through my body. I kept on thinking: control, power, wisdom. I felt all my senses and every cell in my body, totally alive. Experiences bombarded me one after the other. I had always wanted to be more fully aware. I asked Ayahuasca to stop. "It's too painful", I pleaded. The spirit retorted, gently chiding "But this is what you have asked for." "Yes but I see that this is too open. I am feeling too much at the same moment." He taught me how to protect myself and yet retain an openness. I sensed that the wall that I had been leaning on behind me was no longer there. I leaned forward and knew that we were part of the whole universe. I was extremely hot as if in a sauna. All my clothing stuck to my body. The Shaman, maestro of Ayahuasca, played music and danced, keeping the energies moving in the room. I experienced the pain of people who are starving, the pain from acts of violence. My body became heavier. I saw myself leaning over holding my head in my hands, so heavy with thoughts and choices it was impossible to hold. I felt intense pain and confusion. I felt it and then it was released. The Shaman continued to play music and sing. I was thankful for his guidance. He announced, "And now the second half, the magic." I performed healings on my body. It is with the Ayahuasca that we remember spirit and all that is, with clarity and beauty. I accepted where I am in my life and became calm. I would try to remember what I was experiencing and then I would hear, "relax and experience this, you don't have to write this in your head. You'll remember what is important."
I travelled to other worlds, exquisite places with several moons and suns. Ayahuasca encouraged me. "Let go," he advised. "You don't need to hold onto this pain. You can experience joy." I experienced death, as spirit, floating among the stars. The Shaman worked on my crown chakra and other energy centres. I sat up very straight and tall. My heart and throat chakra was energized, the visions and instruction continued to flow. I could see the Shaman and sense where he was with my eyes closed, as if they were open. I felt the blood flowing through my veins. I felt my heart and healed it. I experienced myself as a black panther and ran as a wild cat through the forest. I learned yes, and moved my head up and down, yes. I felt intense joy. I saw a fragment of the light of God, an illumination of enormous intensity.
I have since met Ayahuasca nine more times and each time has been a different
experience. My self esteem is stronger. I no longer need to hold my head
in my hands in confusion. I keep the vision, my dream, in my mind to focus
me. I have not solved all of my problems, but they have been peeling away
in therapy sessions more easily, more quickly than before. It is very important
to process all the information, all the gifts. The asthma I have suffered
has become milder. I no longer use an inhaler. I am more aware in nature.
A porcupine or a rabbit can teach me when I listen. This is one of the visionary
drugs that can help to open the energy centres within us. There are the
drugs, legal and illegal, that dull the senses to feeling, to life. We must
all make the journey of bringing to consciousness the hidden pains and darkness
within us. Whatever the path we choose: psychotherapy, regression therapy,
bio-energetics, or any combination, we can free ourselves from being victims,
to become more creative, joyful beings. I do not advocate Ayahuasca for
everyone but it is a rite for those who choose it.
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