A trusted friend who is a Bwiti initiate gave us some powdered iboga root which he said was "enough for two strong men", with the suggestion that we try half then the rest an hour later. Anja and myself prepared ourselves well in advance so that we would have two days free in a secluded country setting with two friends to babysit who we trusted to share our most intimate secrets, and who we felt confident would be able to look after us.
We all went for a quiet walk and talked about our fears and hopes for the session. I said that I wanted to open up memories of my childhood which are unusually poor, and to see what my ancestors meant to me (I never think of them normally).
At sunset, we prepared the space with incense, candles and places to sit comfortably with vomit bowls at our sides, while I put the iboga into gelcaps (the powder for 2 people filled 14 capsules). We then had some soup made with carrots and ginger (after fasting since breakfast), meditated for a few minutes and took 4 capsules each with a little water.
We then sat absolutely still. Beforehand and at first, I felt anxious, but after a while I noticed that I was calm, and felt pleasantly warm inside my body. After one hour our sitters offered us the remaining 3 capsules, which we both took and continued sitting absolutely still. I sat for another 2 hours, and Anja for 3. I was surprised how easy that was, as normally I feel restless and uncomfortable unless I move about.
I found that I was in a contemplative mood, and would spend time thinking about concepts that had once fascinated me, such as that the energy from the wood fire which warmed us came from the sun which had been absorbed by the trees which we were now burning. I attempted to focus on my ancestors by trying to visualise my grandmother who died when I was a child, but without success.
Nothing seemed different to normal - even my internal dialogue kept going. I decided that my meditative mood could be explained by the situation alone, as I simply do not sit still for hours with two attendants watching over me!
After 3 hours I decided that I was getting nowhere and lay down to wait for Anja. When she came out of it we both got up and suddenly realised that we were far more affected: I felt very light, floaty and rather giddy, and this lasted until we went to bed.
In retrospect, I feel that the only psychoactive effect I experienced was one of calmness while sitting, the physical effect was mildly unpleasant and there were no after effects. However, Anja felt the experience had a positive, healing effect on her which she would like to repeat. She actually felt it compared well with most of her ayahuasca experiences.
We were well prepared; in the most beautiful setting in the countryside and two of our friends, who are very close to us and who we trust completely to look after us.
I had had reservations about going to Gabon for a long time and the opportunity of taking Ibogaine 'at home' was one not to be missed. Of course I wondered what it would be like - it is said to be a substance that brings up the past. I was happy to delve into my own past, especially since I've done quite a bit of work on this lifetime already. I also hoped that Nicholas would get some insights, since he generally does not remember much of his childhood and it would be a lovely thing to share. We already spent a few days in the country and we calmed our city pace by the time our friends joined us. We spent some time together, went for a walk in nature; we smudged the place, made our places to sit upright and comfortable, watched the sun set and took our medicine.
It was wonderful not to feel nauseous, but to feel a pleasant warm glow spreading through my body! Gradually, with the comfortable feeling continuing to be present, my body calmed and although my mind kept wondering how it was going to develop, this stayed in the background and the deepening sensation of calm and centeredness prevailed.
My inner voice commented: "I am getting little tingling sensations, similar to what I am familiar with when receiving healing. It is as if my body very gently is being rearranged on a cellular level. I feel the heat mainly in my torso; a glow appears somewhere, say in my shoulder or my back and a soft tingling around and in my body occurs which seems to bring more space or alignment." One very hot spot was near my stomach and my solar plexus area. It felt as if a tightness from there was pulled up through my body slowly, eventually coming out of the top/side of my head. All this felt very soothing as if done with great care and gentleness. It could have gone on forever as far as I was concerned and I did not feel like moving much at all. Only minuscule adjustments here and there in my body seemed to help the process. I was amazed at how still I felt. How completely connected to my centerline - how right this was, although I did not even think it, it just was at a certain moment. All fear of the African Ibogaine had gone. I felt earthly, human and spiritual, but no need to name it, no need to anything. This felt like an essential part of me - of all - that I rarely experience so wholeheartedly.
I had no idea of time - but after a while a noise became very strong. My commenting mind, which had never stopped, but had been unimportant till now began to comment on the sound. "What is it, where is it." It sounded like a motor racing track, although there was not even a road nearby. Tuning into it was very easy. I could hear the revving of the engines, the coming and going. But coming out of it was very difficult. I did not manage to cut off my busy mind. I got more and more absorbed by the sound. The stillness and comfort of my body faded. I began to feel very ordinary and when I managed to push the sound in the background again I realised the effect of Iboga had worn off.
My friend comforted me with blankets, which was nice, but I felt no different from normal and was a bit disappointed for me and my friends that not more had happened. This had been my chance to face something deep in a safe environment with friends, who are also therapists, to look after me.
Nicholas had come around too. We made some tea and then I realised how light I felt when I got up. Not dizzy, just ever so light, particularly in my legs and arms. As if they were filled with helium. A great sensation!
At the time I dismissed the experience as "not much happened",
but a few days later I realised the importance of this so still/calm/balanced
state, which is hard to describe. It is something I would like to learn
to recap frequently and I think Ibogaine can teach me. She proved to be
a very gentle teacher in this case. The teaching felt more female than male,
although the complete still state reminded me of pictures of African male
elders looking out over the horizon. As an Alexander teacher I would say
it was probably the best Alexander lesson I have ever had. The gentle readjustments
in my body came about with great skill! But the lesson of balance went deeper
than what I had experienced before. Meditation so far has not brought me
to that calm stillness, more to an oscillating flow. I could not maintain
this state however and would like to be able to practise more. If Ibogaine
would repeat this lesson it would be of great benefit to me, but even having
experienced it once I now consider it worthwhile.
[According to experienced users we probably had a very low dose]
Council on Spiritual Practices Home Page